


falling all in you

by sanabaechu



Category: ITZY (Band)
Genre: Childhood Friends, F/F, Friends With Benefits, sorta?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-03
Updated: 2019-05-03
Packaged: 2020-02-16 15:04:32
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 12,469
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18693880
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sanabaechu/pseuds/sanabaechu
Summary: Yeji and Jisu agree to be friends with benefits, but feelings are pesky things.“Tell me this, what do you call a friends with benefit relationship if they start sleeping with each other but don’t have sex?”





	falling all in you

**Author's Note:**

> cross-post at aff

_Sunrise with you on my chest_  
_No blinds in the place where I live_  
_Daybreak open your eyes  
_ _'Cause this was only ever meant to be for one night_

Jisu doesn’t date.

She doesn’t want to date because she knows she’d be a bad girlfriend. She’s too needy, too emotional and “stubborn for her own good” - at least that’s what her exes have told her. So she figures it’d be better to spare herself from the heartbreak and the other person from the terror that she is. Good thing for her that others seem to share the same sentiment as her.

She’s been at this party for an hour and she’s already met an instagram model, an entrepreneur and some dude who went viral for something she’s already forgotten about. In theory it should therefore be easy to find someone to hook up with with the levels of narcissism in the room. She’s looking for something noncommittal, something easy and transparent. Except she’s reached the end of her third beer and there’s no one here she’s found attractive enough to make a move on. She figures it’s also because she’s at a Halloween party where guys are walking around in nurse uniforms and ugly wigs and the girls have blood smeared all over their bodies - a sight that frankly makes her sick in the stomach and weak at the knees.

She’s halfway through her fourth beer when she spots a familiar face across the room. It had been a year at least since she last saw her but Hwang Yeji looked good.

She’s wearing baggy trousers and a cropped top with her long hair straight down her back. The light she’s standing under creates the perfect shadows on her arms that highlight all the curves of her muscles. She doesn’t know what overcomes her ( _four beers_ ) but Jisu feels the sudden urge to pick up her feet and dance across the room to her. “Hey neighbour!” Jisu shouts over the music. Yeji’s leaning against the table, a red cup in her hand and she’s talking to a brunette with the babiest of faces that Jisu wants to ask her where her parents are. She doesn’t though.

Yeji forces a smile as Jisu practically throws herself on her - chest pressed up against Yeji’s body - as she tries to give her a friendly hug. “Hey neighbour,” she grunts under the weight of Jisu’s body.

She stumbles awkwardly as she pulls away almost falling over but Yeji wraps her arm around her waist and pulls her closer. “Long time no see. You _look really good_ ,” Jisu says as she tucks a loose strand of hair behind Yeji’s ear.

“Uhmm...thanks?” Yeji looks at her like she wants to laugh, “You look good too...” her eyes are scanning Jisu’s outfit, a few gold medals around her neck, she’s wearing shorts and a t-shirt with a sweatband on her head and wrist.

“Wait a minute,” Jisu turns around and reaches for a loaf of bread on the table. She cradles it in her arm and beams proudly. “Get it?”

Yeji takes only a second before she bursts out laughing, “Breadwinner, nice.” She’s the first person to guess correctly and Jisu is impressed. She had spent the whole night trying to explain to people who thought she was a competitive eater or a marathon runner carb loading.

“What about you?”

Yeji turns around and picks up a headband with ears off the counter and puts it back on her head. “A shapeshifter…”

“Is the cat your only other form?”

“You caught me,” Yeji winks. She had intended to stay at home when her friends dragged her out at the last minute so she didn’t have anything else planned.

Jisu snorts and laughs out loud. She’s still not sure if it’s the alcohol or if it’s Yeji but she feels comfortable despite their time apart.

Jisu’s known Yeji for as long as she could remember. When they were younger they lived side by side and their mothers were friends - whilst they had wished the same for their daughters Yeji and Jisu were just too different - they had different interests, different personalities. During the time where children often latched to those in their immediate proximity Jisu never seemed to be around much. She was always away at camps, having singing lessons, piano lessons, and spent her summers in Canada with her aunt whilst Yeji stayed behind spending summers participating in dance competitions, picking up jobs on the side on top of her maths tutoring.

So they weren’t friends necessarily but they were hardly acquaintances either. After all they had seen each other so often through the window of each other’s rooms singing into the hair brush off key, jumping off the bed pretending to play the air guitar or having their own fashion show in front of the mirror. Jisu would often sometimes watch Yeji practice her choreography late into the middle of the night and Yeji had once caught Jisu crying as well but before she could ask if she was ok Jisu had quickly drawn the blinds.

In college they would only ever greet each other with half smiles and acknowledging nods - that is if they had accidentally met each other’s eyes. Otherwise they had no real reason to talk to each other - much to the disappointments of their mothers who would ask them about the other girl. The last time they had spoken to each other was when they were both at the same cafe grabbing their morning coffees and like most of their past encounters were brief and casual.

“I’ve got an presentation coming up in two weeks and I’m just a bit stressed…” drunk Jisu is extremely friendly. In fact in all the years that they’ve known each other, this is the first time they’ve been this physical with each other - well maybe excluding the time Jisu tripped and kissed Yeji when they were in fourth grade. “What about you?”

“I got promoted at the firm so we’re just out tonight celebrating.”

“Congratulations!” Jisu embraces her again which throws Yeji off-guard making her flustered. “Did you know that Yeji was the president of the maths club. She could recite pi to 100 decimal places!”

“How drunk are you?” Yeji cocks her head sideways and tries to look into Jisu’s eyes. They’re glossy and a bit red, but it’s her cheeks and her new found clinginess that are the most telling.

“No I’m not, show her Yeji-ah!” Jisu says sweetly and she leans in on her.

“Do you want some water?”

Jisu shakes her head which seems to be a bad idea because Yeji quickly turns her around allowing her to ungracefully vomit onto the floor much to the disgust of the party goers around her who leap out of the way.

“Is she ok?” the brunette with Yeji observes from afar in disgust.

Yeji’s expression morphs from one of concern to relief the moment Jisu flicks her hair backwards in a magnificent display and wipes the spit off her chin. “She’s going to be just fine,” she says. For as long as they’ve known each other they’ve never involved themselves in each other’s lives if they weren’t forced to by their mothers. But she could hear her mother’s voice in her head if she was to let Jisu wander off and allowed her to get hurt. “I think I’ll have to take her home.”

“No I don’t want to go home yet!” Jisu shouts over the noise.

Yeji reaches for some tissues and helps her clean herself up. “Where are her friends?” the brunette says, sounding irritated.

“Hey, I’m going to take you home ok?” Jisu’s not sure if it’s the light but it feels like she’s looking at a divine being the way Yeji’s face glows when she looks at her.

“But you were supposed to take me home,” the brunette grabs her hand and stares at her wide-eyed. She pouts and Yeji looks over at her other friends who were beginning to walk in after noticing the commotion going on inside the kitchen. Yeji’s friends recognise Jisu immediately despite her hair sprawled all over her face, after all they went through high school together.

“Is that Choi Jisu?”

“Yeah.”

“Is she drunk?” another one of her friend asks and Yeji nods.

“Can you take Yireon home, Syeonnie?”

“Yeah sure, I’ve got to drop Nakko home as well anyways.”

“Thanks Syeon.” She appreciates that Seoyeon doesn’t ask anymore questions than she needs to. Not like she would admit anyways that this was the perfect situation that would allow for her to escape from the party anyways. She’s happy she’s been promoted, happy to get a pay rise but it’s been a long week and she’s just too tired to stay out tonight.

Yireon’s eyes follows her as she picks Jisu up and swings her arm over her shoulders effortlessly. “So they’re friends?”

“Oh they’re not, they’ve just got a lot of history,” Seoyeon says as she finishes the last of her beer.

+

She takes her back to her apartment, the ID in her wallet supplying Yeji with the address she needed to get her home safely. She lives in a high rise Gangnam apartment alone but Yeji’s not surprised. Her family always had money, especially since she was always going overseas for their summer vacations.

“Are your friends going to be ok? Should you tell them you’re home safe?” Yeji’s trying to make casual conversation as she fishes for the keys to Jisu’s apartment from her bag.

“Nope, as far as they’re concerned they’re probably happy if they think I’ve gone off to get laid tonight.”

“I see…” Yeji merely states. She doesn’t pry any further because that’s not her or them. For as long as Yeji has known Jisu they’ve never really had a proper conversation. There’d be times when her mother would ask her to bring over some vegetables from her garden for Jisu’s mother and they’d talk a bit. It’s brief and casual and always ends with someone suggesting that they’d catch up but of course neither of them really mean it.

Once she opens the door she elbows her way through with Jisu wrapped in her other arm. Jisu is amazed as to how strong Yeji is as she carries her effortlessly onto her bed. “How drunk are you?” Yeji asks, observing the vomit from earlier caught in her clothes. Jisu grumbles something incoherently and waves her arm in the air. “You need to get changed before you can sleep.” When she doesn’t respond Yeji sighs, she could leave her right now. She’s safe and in her own house. Except it’s not like her to leave a job unfinished and apparently that included making sure that Jisu didn’t sleep in a shirt covered in vomit. “I’m going to undress you ok,” her voice is a little louder than usual even though they’re alone in a quiet room.

Gingerly she takes off her shirt first and throws it onto the floor before realising she hadn’t brought over the clothes she was going to change her into. She walks over to her cupboard and reaches for the first t-shirt she finds. When she turns around Jisu’s lying spread out ungracefully like a starfish across her bed. The sight makes Yeji want to laugh out loud, which she probably could since Jisu seems to be dead asleep and unresponsive to outside stimuli.

“Hey, you need to put on a top or else you’re going to get cold,” she tries to gather her limbs together so she could seat her up to slip on her t-shirt when she finds Jisu’s arms swung around her neck, pulling her closer to her face.

“W-What are you doing?”

“Can you stay with me tonight?” Jisu asks.

“Sure,” she grunts trying to pull away, “I’ll sleep on the couch outside if you need anything.”

“Aren’t you a bit curious after all these years about what I’m like in bed?”

“Can honestly say no…”

“Do you want to find out?” Jisu’s breath ghosts over her skin as she pulls her closer, the smell of alcohol seeping through her skin.

“You’re drunk and you’re gonna regret this proposition in the morning.”

“No I won’t, trust me…” Jisu tries to kiss her this time but Yeji ducks out of her grip and rolls over.

“I’m going to grab you a glass of water ok,” Yeji says, she can feel her face burning bright red as she straightens herself out - feet scuttling across the floorboards as quick as she can. When she returns a few minutes later she can only hear the sound of soft snores coming from the room. Creeping quietly through the crack of the door, she places the glass of water on the table beside her bed, “Goodnight Princess,” she says, smiling at the sight of Jisu rolled up in her blanket.

+

Yeji is awoken the next morning by the sound of cutlery falling and cursing. It doesn’t take her long before she jolts up off the couch, temporarily forgetting where she was. “Who’s there?” Yeji’s pointing her phone blindly in the direction of the sound, her eyes were struggling to open, still desperately needing sleep.

“Jesus Christ!” Jisu yelps in english and grasps at her chest.

Slowly but steadily she opens her eyes and finds her grounding. She remembers she’s in Jisu’s apartment, sleeping on the couch with a flimsy towel to keep her warm because she couldn’t find anything else. “Can you keep it down, Jesus? I’m trying to sleep here.”

“What are you doing here?” Jisu fills her empty glass of water to the brim and drinks it quickly, washing the sour taste out of her mouth. She refills a second cup and quickly drinks it as well to quench her thirst and hopefully fight off any headaches that were threatening to come on once the alcohol fully left her system.

“I took you home last night, don’t you remember?” Yeji mumbles, cheek pressed against the couch whilst she tried to sleep.

“You? Took me home?”

“I know. I’m questioning that decision right now.”

Jisu makes her way across the room and plants herself right on the floor beside the couch where Yeji’s head was resting, she’s too tired to do anything else but sit. The clock on the wall reads ten minutes past six, the sun was barely beginning to rise over the horizon and the room was still filled with cool blue shades. “Thank you,” she says finally.

“It’s alright, I don’t think my mother would’ve let me live it down if something bad had happened to you when I could’ve stopped it.”

“Did I do anything stupid last night?” Jisu asks, head resting on the couch.

“Are you sure you want to know?”

“Not really.”

“As far as stupid things go what you did doesn’t register. It’s ok - all you did was throw up at some strangers house party. I scooped you up before the house owner figured out what was going on.”

“I wouldn’t have had needed to drink that much if there were actually cute people at the party that I could make out with. I didn’t even get any last night…” Jisu laments. That was the whole purpose of last night afterall. For her to get out and hook up with someone - after all it had been a few months.

“Yeah, well me neither, left a sure thing to take you home.” She doesn’t really tell her that she was slightly relieved to be able to leave the party then and there, but she wasn’t all that excited that it was Jisu she was going home with instead.

Jisu perks up, a wide grin growing on her lips. “Sleep with me,” she says.

“Not this again… I told you you’re drunk and you’re going to regret this later.”

“No, I’m not,” Jisu reaches for her hand, “Hear me out. You want to get laid, I need to get laid and we’ve known each other so I trust you. No commitments. Just sex.” She emphasises the last four words and looks dead straight at Yeji who’s more alert now.

“I’m not going to take advantage of y--”

Jisu surges forward and kisses her to silence her, “I’m not drunk,” she says as she steadies herself, “Ok, maybe I still am a little tipsy, but I know I want this and if you need it to be meaningful maybe this is a way for me to make up to you for last night for getting me home safely.” Her fingers flick the hem of her shirt as she slowly snakes her hand inside Yeji’s shirt. “So if you’ll le--”

This time Yeji kisses her first, tongue feverish in her mouth.

+

They keep in touch a lot more frequently after that - their mothers would be delighted if they knew. Except they can’t know. As if there wasn’t pressure enough to keep in check with each other when they weren’t having sex. They didn’t need their mothers asking questions, assuming things and placing expectations on their relationship. So they don’t tell their mothers or anyone as a matter of fact. They don’t want to be subjected to gossip or judgement - fact of the matter was that it was nobody’s business but their own.

That wasn’t until Ryujin, Yeji’s roommate, walks in on Jisu stretched out across Yeji’s bed. She’s decided to dress up today in the sexiest black lingerie she could find. She’s even lit a few candles. Afterall, just because they weren’t romantic didn’t meant that she couldn’t set a mood.

Ryujin screams and covers her eyes, running out of the room in shock. Quickly she picks up her robe off the floor and chases her outside, apologising profusely for what she just experienced. “I thought you were Yeji, that was for Yeji…”

“How did you get in here? What the hell are you two doing? Why were you in your lingerie on her bed?” Ryujin can’t even bare to look at her at the moment.

Ryujin was another person from her childhood. Although technically she’s Yeji’s best friend, they had all known each other for years now. The last thing Ryujin wanted to see was Jisu in her underwear stretched out across Yeji’s bed. How long had this been a thing?

“We gave each other a spare key just in case…” Jisu bites her lip. Just in case one of them wanted to come over late at night for sex is what she wants to say but she stops herself.

Jisu wonders if she should bother lying. She’s concocting up a lie in her brain as she stands in front of Ryujin who looks like she’s trying really hard to not curl over onto the floor and pass out from the shock. _She was here to visit Yeji because she offered to help look at her taxes and she was sleepy because Yeji was taking so long so she went into her room and it was just really hot… -_ She’s about to blurt out the worst lie in the world when Yeji walks through the door carrying a bag of groceries and babbling on about about how they had ran out of Jisu’s favourite icecream flavour so she had to drive around to find it and grabbed three tubs just in case. “I think I deserve a treat for all that eff-”

When she finally turns the corner to see Jisu wrapped up in her robe staring at her mortified and Ryujin standing in front of her, tapping her foot impatiently. “W-what’s going on here? What are you doing here?”

“What do you mean what am I doing here? I live here.”

“No, I just meant why are you home so early, you were supposed to be in meeting and it wasn’t going to finish till later…”

“The client rescheduled the call so they let us—Wait why do I need to explain myself when I live here? Since when have you two been a thing? How long has this been going on for?” Ryujin’s eyes dart between the two guilty parties, neither of them wanting to look at her in the eyes.

“I guess technically I don’t need to explain myself too, since I live here…” Yeji smirks but Ryujin doesn’t seem amused. “It’s not what you think it is,” Yeji quickly and calmly tries to explain the situation, the last thing they needed was more hysteria based on the tone of Ryujin’s voice.

“It’s just sex,” Jisu blurts.

“Just sex?” Ryujin repeats like she doesn’t believe it.

Yeji scratches the back of her neck and sighs, “Yeah it’s just sex, nothing serious…” It’s the second title they ever really put on their relationship since knowing each other all these years.

“You know what, I don’t want to think about it...I mean it’s been a few years since we’ve seen each other, but frankly now I feel like I’ve seen too much…” Ryujin massages her temples and walks away first into her room.

“Lets catch up over coff—” Jisu shouts just as the door closes. She winces from the sound of the door slamming, “Why does it feel like we just got in trouble from our mothers?”

“No, definitely not, because if it was our actual mothers they’d be asking us when the wedding is.”

+

So maybe the good thing about Ryujin finding out about their relationship was how much easier it made for Jisu to move around the apartment. Whilst the ideal situation would’ve been to go to Jisu’s apartment since she lived alone it was easier to go to Yeji’s because it was more convenient for the both of them much to Ryujin’s chagrin. She’s clothed now - at least when she’s walking around outside of Yeji’s room and Ryujin makes sure that they put a sock on the door if there was any hanky panky going on whilst she was in the house.

Jisu doesn’t have to hide in Yeji’s room anymore or run out when Ryujin was in the shower. They eat their takeout in the kitchen as well and even order some for Ryujin as a way of buying her silence - not like they had a reason to believe she’d spill the beans otherwise. She’s even beginning to leave traces of her behind - her lipstick, a few t-shirts, her hairbrush and even a toothbrush. It was just easier to sleep at Yeji’s some nights and head to work the next morning.

Tonight they’re staying in to watch a movie on the couch and order pizza. Ryujin picks the movie because Yeji’s not home yet to tease her about how many times she’s watched Perks of being a wallflower and still cries over it. Jisu understands her though. They’re about twenty minutes into the movie when Yeji elbows through the front door and kicks off her shoes.

“Thanks for waiting for me guys,” she feels her body slowly defrosting now that she was out of the blasting cold. She strips out of her padded jacket, hangs it by the door and quickly squishes herself in between Jisu and Ryujin on the couch, trying to absorb as much of their body heat as possible. Ryujin squirms and pulls away first but Jisu is caught as Yeji envelopes her in a hug, her cold hands running all over her body. Jisu laughs and squirm, playfully surrendering to Yeji. Ryujin looks on in disgust and pulls the blanket closer to her side.

“Sharing is caring, Shin Ryujin.” Jisu tries to pull it back in her direction but Ryujin’s grip only tightens.

“It’s a fair trade off considering that I don’t have anyone to cling onto for body heat.”

Yeji grins and turns her body towards Ryujin, “Is Ryuddaeng-ie jealous?” Yeji nuzzles her head in the crook of Ryujin’s neck and the smaller girl shrivels up against the couch, laughing. “You could always join us…” Yeji wriggles her eyebrows.

Jisu snorts.

“Don’t be gross,” Ryujin crosses her arms across her chest, looking a little scandalised.

“I meant right now for more body warmth.”

“I’m sure you did,” Ryujin deadpans before they both burst out into laughter.

Despite how long they’ve known each other, Jisu still finds herself learning something new about Yeji everyday from the playful bickering but absolute adoration she has for Ryujin to how she eats her pizza - no pineapple and folded in half. She also learns that Yeji is a lightweight when it comes to drinking because she falls asleep on her shoulder somewhere after her first glass of wine.

Jisu adjusts herself to let Yeji mould onto her body when she realises that Ryujin is quietly dabbing the tears away from her eyes. They’re about half way through the movie and when she notices Ryujin perking up like she had been anticipating the scene

 _“Why do nice people choose the wrong people to date?”_ the main character Charlie asks the teacher.

 _“We accept the love we think we deserve.”_ She mouths and Jisu giggles realising that maybe she has watched this movie one too many times.

 _“Can we let them know that they deserve more?”_ Charlie asks Mr. Anderson.

_“We can try.”_

+

She wakes up the next morning with her face buried recklessly in the curve of Yeji’s neck, her arm comfortably resting on her chest, whilst Yeji’s arm was placed loosely around her waist. Ryujin had left her blanket behind for them when Jisu had decided she wanted to stay up a little longer to watch another movie. She was supposed to wake Yeji up so that she could go to bed to sleep but she didn’t have the heart to wake her when she looked so cute sleeping so soundly.

Jisu tilts her head upward, eyes tracing Yeji’s jawline. Her skin is glowing from the morning sun but Jisu isn’t surprised when she remembers how impossibly smooth and soft Yeji’s skin was whenever she touched her in bed. She gives into the strong urge to plant soft kiss on Yeji’s neck, careful as to not wake her. She wants to desperately stay there for a few moments longer when she remembers that she had promised her friend she’d have brunch with her.

Slowly she removes Yeji’s arm from around her waist and sits up on the couch only to be greeted by a smug looking Ryujin. “Good morning!” Ryujin mouths before she takes a sip of her coffee.

Jisu yelps and leaps back into the couch elbowing Yeji by accident and waking her up. She groans in pain and curls up onto the couch. Whilst she was one to sleep through one or two alarms, being woken up by having the wind knocked out of her was extreme. Jisu apologises quickly, rubbing her chest where she had hit her.

“I’m sorry, I just realised how late it was.” Jisu stands up from the couch and runs down the hallway like the white rabbit from Alice in Wonderland trying to desperately avoid any form of interrogation from Ryujin or even Yeji. “I’m late…” they can hear her muttering from inside the bathroom.

“Do you know what she’s late for?” Ryujin asks Yeji who’s still reeling from being elbowed in the chest.

“Yeah, she mentioned something about meeting a friend,” Yeji yawns and takes a seat opposite Ryujin.

“Good sleep?” Ryujin asks, eyebrows raised. She’s smiling so wide that Yeji’s afraid her face might crack.

“Yeah, quite pleasant.” Ryujin’s got that look like she knows something Yeji doesn’t. “What? What happened? What did you do?”

“You’re usually quite a light sleeper aren’t you?” Ryujin narrows her eyes. “I mean you wake up as soon as I start the coffee machine in the morning.”

“Yeah, the wine must’ve knocked me out. Speaking of coffee can you get me some too?”

She’s midway reaching for a cup when Jisu comes back out of the bathroom, searching for her phone on the table. “Sorry about before does it still hurt?”

“Just a little,” Yeji pouts and rubs her chest.

“I’ll make up for it tonight.”

Ryujin fakes gag but she bites her tongue.

“Sure,” Yeji says. Jisu gives her a quick cheek kiss out of habit and rushes out of the door.

Once the door closes, Ryujin’s shoulders start to shake. She’s trying to stifle a manic laughter and it catches Yeji’s attention. “What? What’s so funny?”

“Tell me this, what do you call a friends with benefit relationship if they start sleeping with each other but don’t have sex?”

“It was one time.”

“Please, you know her schedule, she just brushed her teeth and got changed here and you’ll be seeing each other tonight, again! I’m pretty sure that’s four days straight she’s spent here this week alone.”

“W-we just thought we’d be considerate of you last night since you were the in the house.”

“Unfortunately for me that’s never stopped you before,” Ryujin winks and walks back into her room carrying her blanket and cup of coffee with her.

+

They go home together for the Lunar New Year break.

They leave after work on a Friday and Yeji offers to drive the two hours from the city back home with Jisu promising she’ll take the drive in back. They listen to music, play I spy and exchange stories and stash away the anecdotes like little treats that they’ve earnt.

Jisu tells her about her Canada trips and how beautiful Niagra falls is. How Yeji would really love it there because the people are nice and the food is great. Yeji feels a little embarrassed when she admits that she’s never really left the country. There was never really a good time for her to leave because she got a job immediately after graduating and she had been working to pay for her debt or send money home to her parents that she’s never really thought twice about spending any on herself.

It’s both noble and idiotic, Jisu thinks, about how Yeji doesn’t choose to live for herself. She just wants her to be selfish, even just in the tiniest. She doesn’t really splurge on shopping, or food. In fact she’s convinced that had it not been for her Yeji’s diet would mostly consist of snacks and quick convenient store foods.

There’s a part of her that’s starting to wonder if Yeji’s doing this for her sake. After all it’s usually Yeji that goes down on her. None of her past _lovers_ were that good or even cared about what she liked. Her train of thought is interrupted when the car comes to a halt. “Welcome home,” Yeji beams as she pulls the handle of the brake.

“I’m thinking it was a bad idea that we did this…” Jisu mumbles as they both stare out at the horizon where the sun was beginning to set.

“What?” Yeji looks at her, arm extended over the car wheel. Jisu doesn’t know why her heart starts beating erratically with just one look from Yeji.

“Coming home together - what would our parents think?”

“Would it be the worst thing in the world to date me?” Yeji laughs half heartedly.

Before Jisu could answer, Yeji’s mother is already halfway out the front door screaming and waving to them. “You’re home!” she chirps. Quickly Yeji unbuckles her seatbelt and hops out of the car. Her mother mother engulfs her in her arms and pepper her with kisses. She laughs out loud, “Welcome home my baby.” Her mother caresses her cheeks and gives her a look over. “You’ve lost weight, have you been eating?”

“Oh yeah, I’ve just been working out a lot more lately,” Yeji grins and Jisu feels a flush growing on her cheeks.

“Oh Jisu-ah,” Yeji’s mother pulls her into a quick embrace as well. “How are you?”

“I’m good Aunty.”

“Would’ve never thought I’d see the day where Yeji would bring someone special home for dinner, hey, hey...” She’s nudges her on her elbow and Yeji just lets herself stumble onto the car.

“Mum! You know exactly that this is not that situation.” Yeji glances sideways hoping to see a reaction from Jisu. “But isn’t this your dream anyways, Jisu and I are finally friends. You and Mrs. Choi must be happy.”

“Of course we’re happy, our girls are back home finally and it doesn’t matter if you didn’t bring someone home this year, there’s always next week, or next month, or whenever you find someone you want to introduce to your old mother.”

Yeji groans, “Mum, we’ve talked about this…”

“I know, I know - I’m kidding. I just cooked a lot of food because your cousins are here. Eunbi's inside with her two girls, and Hyunjin’s brought his girlfriend home - if only you brought someone home so the food wouldn’t go to waste.”

“You should’ve told me earlier, Mum. I would’ve brought Ryujin.”

Her mother rolls her eyes good naturedly, “Honestly at this rate you two should get together since you don’t seem to be dating anyone else...”

“M-um!” Yeji chides.

They’re exchanging pleasantries when Jisu’s mother comes out from her own house to greet them. It was their voices and laughter that drew her attention. She greets them all with warm hugs, “Why are you all standing outside? It’s freezing!”

Yeji nods in agreement and grabs her luggage, “I’ll see you around then?”

“I’ll see you around,” she grabs her own luggage as they both follow their mothers into their own houses.

+

_‘Look over.’_

It’s almost midnight when Jisu receives a text message from Yeji. Crawling out of her bed she walks over to the window that looked right into Yeji’s room. Yeji’s standing with a piece of paper in her hands with the words _‘Dessert?’_ scribbled in black marker. The corner of her lips lifted into a mischievous smirk causing Jisu to shake her head. _‘Not me._ ’ She reveals the piece of paper behind with the words already written up like she knew what Jisu would’ve been thinking.

She shakes her head and throws it aside, _‘Mum’s Honey Hotteok.’_

It felt like they were teenagers again, staying up late, occasionally glancing into the window wondering what the other person was doing and why they were always up as such ungodly hours. Except this time it’s different. They’re not avoiding each other anymore. No awkward hellos, no ducking and covering, no pulling the blinds. In fact Yeji couldn’t be more than five meters from her and yet she missed her.

 _‘Can I come over?’_ Jisu sends her back a message, holding her breath as Yeji walks away from the window, probably to check if her parents had already retired to their bedroom.

 _‘Come through the back door.’_ A message comes through but Yeji isn’t at her window. _‘Now!’_

Jisu pads through her house as quietly as possible and heads for her own backyard. She climbs over the fence and meets Yeji at the backdoor. In the darkness Yeji takes her hand and leads her through the layout of her house. It’s been a while so she bumps into some tables and walks into a wall and it takes everything within their power to not crack up laughing so they don’t wake up her parents. They felt like teenagers sneaking around, afraid to get caught.

Jisu follows Yeji to the room at the end of the hallway with a soft orange glow emitting from the crack in the door. When they make it into her room and the door closes behind them, Yeji surges first to kiss her, leading her to her bed. “Wait, did you lie to me?” Yeji’s lips are mid pucker when Jisu pulls away and cups her cheeks.

“What do you mean?”

“You said dessert, I came for the dessert.”

“Seriously?”

“Yes, also we’re not going to hook up in your childhood bedroom with childhood photos of you on the wall whilst your parents are outside.”

“Alright…I’ll go get you the hotteok then…”

“Thank you,” Jisu’s focused on some of the photos on the wall. There’s a few she finds herself in, either in the foreground near Yeji or somewhere in the background. There’s a photo from Yeji’s eight birthday that she was invited too - in fact every year Yeji and Jisu were invited to each other’s birthdays because of their mothers. That was also around the time after Jisu had tripped and kissed Yeji after Hyunjin had pushed her. They didn’t talk much after that, in fact Yeji had actively tried to avoid her - running off the bus first and walking meters ahead instead of acknowledging her. She even caught Yeji dropping off a bag of vegetables her mother probably instructed her to do and running off after she rung the doorbell. She figured Yeji must’ve hated her for stealing her first kiss.

There’s a bunch of trophies on the shelves as well, ‘Best Dance Team’, ‘Best Choreography’, ‘Talent Show Winner - Juniors’. Jisu picks up the photo frame next to the trophies and inspects it carefully.

“What are you looking at?” Yeji asks. She’s holding a plate of hotteok that she places on the table.

She rests her chin on Jisu’s shoulder trying to get a glimpse. It was her the talent show she won for b-boying. It’s a familiar sight. Yeji in an oversized t-shirt, thick bangs that framed her face, sweat bands on her wrists, oversized pants and worn out sneakers on her feet. “You haven’t changed.”

“Hey don’t say that, I think my fashion choices are better…”

Jisu snorts, “I meant your face.”

Yeji plucks the photo out of her hand and places it down on the table, twirling Jisu around into her arms. “Do you miss it?” Jisu asks, looping her arms around her neck.

“What?” Yeji asks, swaying back and forth with Jisu in her arms.

“Dancing.”

“I mean we’re dancing right now.”

“You know what I mean…”

“Sometimes.”

“You were really good at it.”

“How did you know?” A valid question since Jisu was never around for Yeji’s dance competitions. Their dance competitions happened in summer and in summer Jisu was usually always away in Canada, in Japan - travelling the world somewhere, visiting places Yeji could only hope to one day visit.

“You think I didn’t see you twirling around in your room from where I sat?”

“I only wanted to dance along to you singing into your hair brush.”

They giggle, careful not to make too much noise to wake up Yeji’s parents.

Yeji flops down on her bed first and stares at the glow in the dark stars littered all over her ceiling and strums her fingers over her chest. They’re like kids at a sleepover. They’re filled with so much excitement and butterflies that neither of them want to sleep. Even though they had spent the night together before it was different being back home. Here they could spend the whole night talking without worrying about being late for work tomorrow or having to run an errand at a ridiculous hour.

They stay up talking about their childhood, teachers from their classes and that time Lee Chaeyoung almost blew up the entire lab because she mixed the wrong chemicals together. They reminisce about their high school formal and how Yeji almost got caught making out with Heejin in the girls bathroom.

“I kind of wished we gave each other a chance in high school,” Jisu says. A chance to be friends possibly even a chance to be lovers. Maybe then she wouldn’t be feeling regret for all the years of friendship lost between them.

“I don’t.” Yeji turns over, using her arm to prop up her head. “I like us the way we are now. I like that we choose to be together and not simply because we were forced to be friends out of convenience. Plus, God only knows how jealous I’d be if we were friends and you got to travel every year without me - and I used to get jealous a lot as a kid - or maybe just competitive. I mean ask Hyunjin, he knew very well how competitive I can be...”

She’s glad that she’s lying down and that the room is dark all with the exception of the lamp so that Yeji doesn’t see the flush blooming on her cheeks. “H-how is Hyunjin?” she asks.

“Can you believe my man-child of a cousin has a girlfriend and he’s been dating her for almost two years?”

“Give him some credit, we all grew up and thankfully he has too.” Hyunjin was the same age as Yeji and Jisu and was always a prankster growing up. He found too much joy in trying to make Yeji’s schooling life a living hell, despite the fact that they were family. Yeji learnt later that Hyunjin was acting out of bitterness towards her because his mother would always compare her success to his and any fourth grader would react with jealousy. They’re better now, older, more mature and have learnt to work together to combat their nagging mothers.

“You’re right. It was nice seeing him so happy, he seemed so different from when we last saw each other. More mature, more stable…” Yeji pauses, “I want that,” she says after much contemplation.

“You’re quite mature and stable already,” Jisu says.

“Not that,” Yeji laughs nervously, “I want that someone who makes me happy and makes me want to be a better person.”

Jisu can feel her stomach churn. “Well the good thing about being friends with benefits is that you’re not stuck to me.” she laughs half heartedly.

“You really don’t want to date me?” Yeji turns over on her side to face her. Jisu wishes she doesn’t hear the vulnerability in her voice. The one that makes what she’s about to say next even more painful.

“It’s not you, I’m just not ready to commit to anyone like that again. I don’t...” she wants to tell her that she’s afraid of being heartbroken again but of course that’s not Yeji’s problem anyways. “I’m just not looking for that kind of relationship right now.”

Yeji laughs and it’s forced and uneasy, “No of course, it’s ok…”

“It’ll be fun though!” She tries to move the conversation along to fill the awkward silence, “I can be your wingwoman, we’ll find you someone who’s good enough for you.”

“Might be a hard,” Yeji laughs.

+

She shouldn’t feel this way.

She shouldn’t be feeling annoyed, upset and jealous when she sees the girl move closer to Yeji. Jisu observes as the other girl’s shoulder grazes slightly as she sweeps the loose strands of hair behind her ears and looks up at Yeji flirtatiously. Jisu’s annoyed because that’s her move - _that’s her fucking move_. She doesn’t realise it but she’s pulverised the coaster in her hand. The only thing that would help with this would be another drink - the one that’s in Yeji’s hand that she was supposed to be getting for her till she was distracted by this stranger hitting on her.

She shouldn’t be feeling this way.

Afterall she was the one that had insisted they keep this relationship purely physical even when Yeji had wanted more.

So aside from her bedroom - or wherever it was that they chose to hook up (the couch in her apartment, the ladies’ room in the restaurant, the change room at Uniqlo, the kitchen of Yeji’s apartment when Ryujin wasn’t home) - their relationship would remain platonic. They were simply good friends who had great sex.

They’re out tonight for Ryujin’s birthday - a group of about fifteen of them going for dinner and drinks, ending up at a bar and participating in an intense karaoke battle with strangers. So here she is, sitting in the booth at this dive bar that has a bunch of tacky alcohol puns like _‘Get into the spirits’_ and silhouettes of women sitting in martini cups and flamingos in neon lights adorned all over the walls - but all she can do it stare at the girl at the bar.

All she can do is stare at Yeji as she smiles and nods her head attentively as she leans in when the other woman whispers in her ears. Yeji pulls out her phone and hands it over to the other woman making Jisu stand up from her seat so fast that the last two tequila shots she had an hour ago shoots right back into her head. The room spins and she holds onto Ryujin sitting beside her. “Are you ok?” Ryujin asks and Jisu nods.

She huffs and slides out of the booth, stomping her heels on the wooden floors as she makes her way to the bar. She seems to be just loud and angry enough to catch the stranger’s attention because her expression changes which leads Yeji to turn around.

“Sorry to interrupt,” Jisu looks up at Yeji and back at the woman. She plucks the gin and tonic out of Yeji’s hand and contemplates for a second before taking Yeji’s own bourbon and coke.

“That’s for me…” Yeji stammers as she watches Jisu take a drink from it.

“Maybe your new friend there can get you another one,” Jisu forces the biggest smile she can muster. “Just being a good wing woman for you,” she whispers into Yeji’s ears before turning on her heels and walking away.

What Yeji doesn’t see is the way Jisu’s face scrunches in shock and horror as she walks away, cursing beneath her breath as she did. As she climbs back to the booth she notices that Yeji hasn’t chased after her, in fact she’s leaning against the bar now, still talking to the woman. They both look like they’re getting comfortable when the stranger calls for the bartender.

She was really taking her suggestion and going for it.

“You ok?” Ryujin looks over as Jisu finishes Yeji’s bourbon and coke and starts sipping on her gin and tonic.

“Yeah it’s fine.”

“Cool, cause it’s your turn at karaoke…” Ryujin shuffles her butt sideways and pushes Jisu off the chair. She feels everyone turn their focus on her, cheering and shouting her name, but there’s one person who hasn’t noticed. At least not yet.

Jisu shakes off the thought and loosens herself up with the remainder of her gin and tonic before walking to the stage with determination. She clears her throat and steps up to the mic as the spotlight turns on her.

“Go Jisu!” her friends shout

“Come on Choi Jisu, show us your vocals!”

 **I went out last night  
** **I'm going out tonight again  
** **Anything to capture your attention  
** **And she's a real sweet girl  
** **And you know I got a boy  
** **Details we both forgot to mention**

Yeji turns around and Jisu’s looking right at her this time. She notices how the corner of Yeji’s lip lifts into a smirk like she’s enjoying what she’s seeing. The girl turns around and looks at Jisu as well before leaning into Yeji and whispering something. She smiles, nods and whispers something back. They’re so close to each other’s faces it makes her stomach knot just looking at them.

 **And you, I always know where you are  
** **And you always know where I am  
** **We're taking it way too far  
** **But I don't want it to end**

Jisu closes her eyes and looks back over at Ryujin who’s smiling back at her, urging her to continue but she can’t help but feel like she wants to cry as she continues to try and not look at Yeji in the corner with another woman’s arm around her.

 **And I wish it didn't feel like this  
** **'Cause I don't wanna miss this kiss  
** **I don't wanna miss this kiss**

She closes her eyes and starts dancing around on the stage much to the delight of the other patrons and her friends as everyone turns their attention and starts singing along with her. Some guy even climbs up on stage and dances next to her, and Jisu desperate enough to want to make Yeji jealous lets him move close enough to wrap his arm over her shoulders.

 **You know you're just my type  
** **And your eyes are lock and key, to my heart  
** **Tempting my confession**

Jisu wishes that in that moment she didn’t look desperately over to Yeji to see if she was going to come over and protect her from this sweaty guy. Because she realises that she’s not paying attention.

She stops and shoves the mic into her new duet partner’s hand and runs off the stage leaving him to finish the song. She brushes past Ryujin as she grabs her bag and wallet and apologises for leaving but she can’t stay. She doesn’t specify or she doesn’t need to because Ryujin sees Yeji chase after her outside the door.

“Hey where are you going? Are you ok?”

“Just home, I’m not feeling well,” she lies and tries her best to not look at Yeji because she knows she’s barely holding it together and the alcohol has only intensified her wanting to cry.

“Give me the keys, Jisu, you can’t drive.” Yeji grabs her arm and Jisu flings her arms backwards angrily, sending the key flying into the dirt.

“Fine!” she shouts, “I won’t drive. But I’m still going home.” She stumbles to the side of the road and looks left and right desperately for a taxi to take her home. There are a few that drive past, they’re occupied though and she curses in frustration, “The one time I actually need a taxi and there is none.”

“Just wait for me, I’ll drive you home. I just need to…”

“What say goodbye to your new girlfriend?”

“My what?”

“Your-new-girlfriend…” Jisu says once more.

“Who?” she asks.

“The girl at the bar, the one touching your arm and whispering in your ear.”

“Minjoo? She’s not my girlfriend, she just wanted to have a chat.”

“And then get into your pants?”

“Yeah, and so what?” Yeji crosses her arms.

“So what?” Jisu crosses her arms and turns to face her squarely. “We had a deal going on why are you trying to ruin that?”

“Ruin what exactly? I thought we had agreed that we weren’t tied to each other so I could date anyone if I wanted.” Yeji tries to keep her composure, “Plus, I’m not getting mad at you for letting some sweaty gross man slide up next to you.”

“I didn’t do it because I liked him!”

“And that’s fine?” If Yeji was playing dense it was working because Jisu angrily turns around on her heels as a taxi pulls up beside her and slams the door shut before Yeji could protest. She breathes a sigh of relief when the car door closes. What Yeji doesn’t see is how the tears start to burst through like a dam in the car as she drives away.

She doesn’t know why she’s like this. She doesn’t know the thought of losing Hwang Yeji scares her so much.

+

From the moment she steps through the door she starts to strip out of her clothes. The expensive pair of Louboutins are flung into the living room as she begins to unzip out of her little black dress doing the most ungraceful dance to grab a hold of the zippers. She was glad that Yeji wasn’t here to see her because she’d laugh watching her move so poorly especially since Yeji was a dancer herself. “Stop it.” Jisu says out loud at the thought of the other woman. “ _Don’t_ think about her,” she tells herself whilst staring at her own reflection in the mirror as she shimmies out of the dress, finally, and let’s it drop on the floor in the middle of her room. It’s times like this Jisu’s glad that she doesn’t have a roommate who wouldn’t be too pleased with the amount of ruckus she was making right now.

Once she finds something to slip into - Yeji’s oversized Back to the Future t-shirt that she borrowed a few months back when she ‘accidentally’ spilt juice on herself - she walks to the kitchen to rummage through the fridge. She doesn’t know why she’s so hungry, after all they did have a proper meal and drinks before heading out to the bar but that was also at six and it was verging on midnight. Unfortunate for her that there’s nothing in the fridge since she rarely spends her nights in her own apartment lately. There’s a bit of kimchi and some leftovers from when she ordered in last month.

She rummages through the freezer next, _victory_ , a small tub of her favourite ice-cream left. She starts shovelling spoonfuls into her mouth without hesitation without a care for the ice-cream smeared all over her lips and licks off the melted ice cream that falls onto Yeji’s t-shirt. She’s drunk and home alone whilst Yeji was back at the bar with the girl, the last thing she’s worried about right now is what anyone else thinks about how unattractive she was. “Stupid Hwang Yeji…” she grumbles as she shovels another spoonful into her mouth.

Yes - stupid Hwang Yeji. It was Ryujin’s birthday and they were all meant to be there celebrating her, not off to the side picking up girls and getting their number. Who does Yeji think she is anyways to try and make her jealous? Well jokes on her because she’s not jealous anymore. If the things she does for Yeji in the bedroom isn’t enough she doesn’t know what else is going to keep her from looking for someone else. So it doesn’t matter that she’s probably back at the bar kissing her right now, or that she’s probably heading back to the girl’s place already.

It doesn’t matter. It doesn’t.

And yet it doesn’t stop the waterworks from flowing at the mere thought. “Whatever…” Jisu stabs at the melting tub of ice cream through tears and shovels another spoonful into her mouth. Except she forgets that ice-cream is cold and the massive amount she just consumed was enough to give her a brain freeze. She whimpers as she puts the tub down.

“Are you ok?”

Jisu screams from the shock and recoils from the pain as Yeji runs and slides over towards her on her knees like it’s some move from dirty dancing. She grabs her shoulders and tilts her head as Jisu slowly regains her composure. “I’m fine,” she shrugs her off and shuffles away with the tub of ice-cream.

“Is that my shirt? I’ve been looking for it?” Yeji examines her closely but Jisu just ignores her. “You look good in it…” she’s trying to get her attention. “Guess you don’t want the pizza I picked up?” She drags the square box from behind her closer to them and places it in front of her on the floor.

Jisu’s eyes dart between Yeji and the pizza and she wonders how shameless she is to take the food and still ignore the girl. Yeji opens up the box to reveal a perfect giant pepperoni pizza. She picks up a slice first and hovers it in front of Jisu who snatches the slice out of her hand and takes a bite for herself. It’s good, so good that she lets out a little moan that makes Yeji bite her lower lip.

“Should I be jealous?” she teases and Jisu rolls her eyes.

“Why are you even here anyways? I thought you would’ve gone home with that girl.”

“What girl?” Yeji asks, well aware as to who she was referring to but that wasn’t the point. Drunk Jisu is an unruly version of her normal self. She’s louder, more vocal without much of a point, sloppy but she acts a lot cuter. So Yeji’s trying to savour every single bit of this moment which is usually such a rarity.

Jisu narrows her eyes, irritated. “Pretty, long hair, round eyes that sparkle…” she says as she angrily bites down on the slice of pizza.

“But I did, I’m right here with her.”

“Don’t lie to me!”

“But baby, I’m not,” Yeji loops her arm around her waist and hugs her from behind, resting her chin on her shoulder, “I’m here with the prettiest girl in the world and there’s no place I’d rather be.” Jisu rolls her eyes and shrugs Yeji off. “Please,” she begs and pinches the hem of her shirt as she tries to scoot away.

Jisu turns back into her quickly, hand and fingers running up the nape of her neck as she kisses her. “Don’t date anyone else,” she says as she breaks away from their kiss that leaves them both winded.

“Does that mean we’re--?” Yeji asks carefully.

“No-” Jisu cuts in, “I just need some time. But I won’t date anyone else either…” her voice is soft and small

Yeji doesn’t say anything which makes Jisu nervous. They’re close enough that Jisu wonders if she could hear her heart racing wildly. At least that’s all Jisu can hear as the blood rushed to her ears whilst she began to think of an excuse to counter Yeji’s silence. She might’ve wanted a relationship, but maybe Yeji had already moved on. Maybe she’s realised that the last thing she wants to do is tie herself down to something so unstable.

Then Yeji smiles and Jisu doesn’t know why she feels her knees buckle and the only thing she’s thinking about now was how desperately she wanted Yeji to say yes. “Sure, if you’re not going to date anyone else, neither will I.”

“Yes?”

“Yes,” Yeji repeats and Jisu kisses her to satisfy her hunger.

+

Jisu wakes up the next morning with a throbbing headache.

The lights are too bright and her mouth has a lingering sour taste in the back of her throat. She hears a bit of shuffling around the room and forces herself to open her eyes. She makes out the hazy outlines of a woman, engulfed by the sunlight. “Good morning,” she mumbles

“How are you feeling?” Yeji asks. She was busy zipping up her jeans and fishing for her t-shirt off the floor. Yeji’s body is a work of art with small patches of purple and blue that Jisu has left behind on her perfect skin around the nape of her neck, her shoulders and close to her clavicle. In fact she had some on her own body as well from Yeji and she couldn’t be happier with how they’ve marked each other for themselves.

“Like I was hit by a truck.”

“I can imagine,” Yeji smiles as she spots her phone on the bedside table next to Jisu’s head. She climbs over her to reach for the phone and leans down for a chaste kiss which leaves Jisu disappointed. “I got you a glass of water, make sure you drink that before you fall asleep again.”

“Where are you going?”

“I’ve got a business meeting this morning.”

“On a Saturday?”

“Time zones.”

She can’t help but feel far away as Yeji lets loose her messy bun so that that her long hair covered the marks on her neck Jisu left for her. “Yeji-ah,” she can already feel herself choking up, the desperation was becoming apparent.

“Hmmm?”

“Can’t—” she chokes in her own words. She wants to ask her to stay. They can order in and never have to leave her bed. They can watch netflix all day, rom coms, true crime docs, binge a whole season of anything she wants because Jisu doesn’t care. She just wants Yeji to stay with her. “When are you going to be back?” she asks instead. It makes her sound less desperate, less needy.

“Not sure, the meeting should be pretty quick but the team might want to go out for lunch after. It’s a big client if we can secure this account,” she goes off on a bit of a tangent about the job and Jisu can just feel her heart swelling seeing how enthusiastic she was about it.

“And then?”

“And then?” Yeji asks.

Jisu struggles so desperately to say what she wants. There’s just so much swirling inside of her mind about last night that she remembers despite the alcohol. She remembers Yeji holding her, cradling her and comforting her like she always does. She remembers asking Yeji to not see anyone else and that in the most romantic gesture she could offer - she wouldn’t see anyone else as well. Then they kissed but it felt different this time and Jisu wonders if this is what it’s meant to be like. Yet the way that Yeji was acting maybe implied that she felt otherwise.

“Jisu?” Yeji’s voice pulls her back from her realm of thoughts. “Are you ok?” she reaches for her hand and caresses it gently.

“Hmm? Yeah…” she lies, “Can I see you later?”

“Of course,” Yeji’s smile reaches her eyes and Jisu wants to ask her what it all means. If she really felt happy being with her or if she was just trying to coax her till she could get enough room to escape. “Is something on your mind?” Yeji looks at her concerned, raising her hand to caress the nape of her neck.

“I’m just going to miss you.”

Yeji narrows her eyebrows, and Jisu already wants to curl over and bury herself in under all the blankets when she sees Yeji trying to suppress a laugh. Yeji raises her hand to her forehead but Jisu jerks backwards. “You’re not sick are you?” she teases.

“Shut up.”

“Just checking, I’ll see you tonight then.”

“You didn’t say it!” Jisu shouts as she’s half way out the door.

“Say what?” Yeji shouts back.

Jisu wants to hear her say I love you. Something to show that she acknowledges what happened last night between them. “That you’ll miss me too,” she shouts back and grimaces.

“I’ll miss you too.” Jisu hears Yeji’s laughter carry through the apartment as she door closes behind her. She falls face first into the pillow and wishes the bed would swallow her whole. _Keep it together Choi Jisu._

+

It’s almost midday when she heads over to Yeji’s house to drop off her Back to the Future t-shirt freshly washed and dried. “What time did you get home?” she asks Ryujin who’s staring blankly at her cup of coffee.

Ryujin massages her temples and tries to muster up an answer, “Uhm, two in the morning? You want some?” Ryujin asks, hovering a piece of toast in front of her. Jisu declines but helps herself to a cup of coffee and takes a seat opposite Ryujin.

“Hey, sorry I ran off early yesterday...I wasn’t…”

“Don’t even worry about it. So long as you guys made up that’s all that matters.”

“Hmmm?”

“Well Yeji didn’t come home last night after she went to chase after you, so I’m assuming since you came back here you patched it up last night.”

“Yeah, we did,” Jisu says, trying to suppress the ridiculous grin on her face.

“Alright I don’t need to know the details of what happened.”

“I didn’t say anything.”

“That lip bite did it for you.” Ryujin fakes shudders causing Jisu’s face to turn a bright shade of red. “Anyways, Yeji was really worried when you left last night. Ran in like a headless chicken trying to find her keys because she couldn’t let you go home drunk alone.”

“Of course she would be. We were neighbours after all and our mothers are friends. We’ve always had a sense of responsibility to each other regardless of how close we were otherwise we’d never be able to hear the end of it from our mothers.”

“No, I think it has to do with the crush she had on you when we were kids.”

Jisu winces when the hot coffee touches her lips faster than expected. “She what?” she pats her lips dry and tries to ignore the stinging pain on her upper lip.

“So you didn’t know,” Ryujin says this like it’s more of a revelation than a question. “I always thought you knew, I mean it was obvious enough…”

“How long ago was this?”

“Fourth grade? When Hyunjin pushed you into her. He knew that she had a crush on you and wanted to embarrass her so he saw the opportunity and took it.” She remembers the incident briefly, they were on the playground during lunch and Jisu was play hopscotch with a group of people when Hyunjin ran by and knocked her just enough to cause her to trip over her feet. Luckily Yeji was there to break her fall, their lips colliding as they fell onto the gravel. As far as first kisses went she wasn’t sure that was how it was meant to feel - hasty and a bit painful. “I’m surprised you didn’t notice. She tried to avoid you for the whole week, it was a bit cute she even wrote a whole confession letter as well.”

Ryujin remembers Yeji - hiding behind her when Jisu walked by. Yeji, abruptly stopping mid-sentence to run the opposite direction because Jisu was walking her way. Yeji, blushing wildly at the mention of the kiss. Yeji, writing and re-writing a confession letter which she would never give.

“What was in the letter?”

Ryujin ponders for a moment “It was something cute like let’s walk to school together everyday and have lunch together everyday - _I like you_.” Ryujin’s fingers and toes curl inwards from embarrassment but Jisu squeals like a teenager who just received a confession from her crush.

“I thought she hated me for stealing her first kiss.”

“If anything she probably couldn’t of have had been happier if they were in better circumstances. But to be fair you didn’t say anything to her afterwards either so maybe that’s why she thought you hated her.”

“Does she still feel the same?”

“God I hope not,” Ryujin sips her coffee and takes a bite of her toast whilst all Jisu does it stare at her with wide-eyed disbelief waiting for her to explain herself. “I meant that whatever she felt for you in fourth grade would’ve been juvenile as crushes are. I couldn’t deal with her if she spent days moping about, wondering if you liked her, wondering what she could say to you to make you like her if you didn’t and then never actually just acting on anything. We’re all a lot better now for how much of a woman Yeji’s grown into…” Ryujin laughs.

Ryujin was right. They weren’t children anymore or awkward teenagers - they were adults - fully grown, emotionally stable, mature - adults. _Right well ok_ , they were adults at least. So it should be normal for her to tell her she misses her sometimes and not be so ashamed about it. Maybe even one day she’ll work up the courage to tell her she _like-likes_ her.

+

It doesn’t change much - their relationship.

Yeji comes over most days after work, they eat Jisu’s home cooked dinner on the couch and they have sex. Some nights she stays when she’s too tired to travel home. Jisu wants to ask her to stay, she wants to offer her a draw to keep her things, a whole wardrobe so long as it makes her stay for longer - forever.

It’s the little things that she does for her that Jisu starts to notice. Like how she holds the door despite how inconvenient it is for her, or that mischievous look on her face when she’s about to do something spontaneous, or how she’ll drive around the block to look for her favourite ice-cream. It’s the way Yeji clings to her shamelessly and proudly like she’s hers. Except Jisu’s not sure if she is.

They don’t cuddle any longer after sex than usual or stay awake talking and falling asleep with memories from their childhood still on their lips. It doesn’t feel like that night when they were both in Yeji’s old room, too excited to sleep despite how much their bodies desperately needed it. It would seem that they had fallen back into the same routines they had prior to that night.

Jisu makes herself pliant against Yeji as she sleeps. She lifts her arm and slides under, pulling their bodies closer. Yeji stirs and adjusts their body so that she’s comfortably pressed up against Jisu’s back face buried into her hair cause Jisu’s breath to hitch. “Did I wake you?”

“No…” Yeji mumbles into her hair. Jisu intertwines her fingers with Yeji’s and brings them to her lips which catches Yeji off-guard. She’s never seen Jisu act like this. Sure they’ve slept together and sure they’ve kissed each other on the lips but that was always part of the deal. This was different though, the cuddling, hand kissing, home cooked dinners instead of the usual take out. “You’re terribly needy this week,” Yeji smiles as she plants a soft kiss on the back of her neck.

Jisu grimaces “Am I?” the voices of all of her exes echoed in her mind.

“Mmmmm…I like it.”

Jisu turns around to face her examining her features in the dark as she traces the outline of her face with her fingers. Yeji laughs at the ticklish sensation, eyes still closed as she tried to sleep. Jisu cups her face with both of her hands and kisses her in one breath.

It takes Yeji a second to register before she slowly kisses her back. “What time is it?” She asks between kisses, refusing to open her eyes. Jisu kisses back with more urgency and Yeji can swear that she feels a wetness on her cheeks. “Wait…” Yeji tries to push away but Jisu is more aggressive. She hasn’t said a word since and Yeji’s beginning to worry even as she tries to run her hand up her shirt. “Are you ok?”

“I’m fine…” she says between their small breaks for air. Jisu climbs on top of her and straddles her hips and kisses her, making a trail down her body. “Just let me go down on you, ok?” she sounds a bit desperate.

“Wait what?” Yeji can feel Jisu’s hands undoing the drawstrings of her pants. “Jisu, wait,” she says softly, her hand running through her hair. “Talk to me,” Yeji tries to slow her down.

“Do you not love me?” she asks, voice filled with frustration, eyes brimming with tears as she stays perched on Yeji’s hips.

“What?” Yeji asks but she’s heard the question quite clear. Or at least she’s certain she’s heard correctly. When Jisu doesn’t respond Yeji’s brow creases. “Of course I do…” she strokes her face gently.

“Then why doesn’t it feel like it? I asked you not to see anyone else…”

“And I haven’t?” Yeji’s still lying beneath her, staring at how her eyes glisten in the darkness.

“Then why doesn’t it feel like it’s changed?”

“What do you mean? What hasn’t changed?” she sits up slowly, holding onto Jisu’s waist to steady her on top.

“You - me, us, why does it feel like it’s the same routine day in day out?” her voice is trembling as she tries to furiously wipe away her tears.

“I don’t understand what you’re…”

“I’m in love with you, Yeji,” she blurts out in frustration. It’s neither graceful nor how she had expected it to play out ever. She could’ve never imagined in her life being one to confess first especially when she was used to it being the other way around. “It’s been on my mind for the past two weeks. You’re all I can think about…” she can feel the words bubbling and spilling out of her ungracefully but Jisu doesn’t care anymore. “All I just want is to be with you, not just for a few hours every night, or the half an hour in the morning where we’re running around getting ready because we’re both late. I want you on weekends at the movies, or at the beach, grocery shopping or visiting our parents for family dinners. Yeji, I love you, not just as friends who fuck--”

Yeji swoops in and kisses her, sweetly and softly to silence her. “I love you too.”

Jisu can feel her heart flutter violently in her chest as Yeji’s gaze traces her lips up to her eyes. “But you’ve been off the past two weeks ever since that night after the bar...”

“The one where you were _drunk_ and asked me to not date other people?” Yeji’s beginning to piece everything together herself. Jisu can tell she wants to laugh and appreciates it when she doesn’t because she knows how ridiculous she’s sounding. “I didn’t know what to think. You were drunk and eating ice-cream on the floor in my t-shirt. It was cute but it was hardly a romantic proposal...”

“I was scared…” she sighs, “We’ve got a lot of history and the last thing I want is to chase you away from me because I’m too much.”

_Too needy, too clingy, too stubborn._

“We’ve known each other for more than twenty years, you think you’re going to chase me away so easily?” Yeji laughs, swiping away the tears from her cheeks with her thumb. From their childhood till now there wasn’t anything about Jisu that Yeji hadn’t seen or experienced. In fact it was maybe that made her love her more. “Plus, I highly doubt that our mothers would let us ignore each other anyways. Somehow we would’ve found our way back to each other.”

She leans forward and laughs into Yeji’s shoulder, “I was scared…” she says again, realising how right Yeji was. “But now I’m sure, I haven’t been so sure in a long time,” she looks her right in the eyes and kisses her. Yeji grabs her and turns her over, placing her back down on the bed, deepening their kiss.

“Wait...so does that mean we’re…” Yeji raises an eyebrow as she searches for confirmation on Jisu’s face.

“Yes…” Jisu rolls her eyes trying not to laugh.

“I’m sorry, I’m going to need you to say it. We’re…”

“Dating…” Jisu wraps her arm around her neck and pulls her down, “You’re mine and I’m yours… exclusively,” Jisu notes the growing grin on Yeji’s face, “Are you happy?”

Yeji nods and kisses her, “I love you so much,” Yeji says against her mouth, fingers running down her body.

There aren’t a lot of stars in the city, but tonight Jisu sees them.

+

 _You're bringing out a different kind of me_  
_There's no safety net that's underneath_  
_I'm free fallin’ all in you_  
_Fell for men who weren't how they appear_  
_Trapped up on a tightrope now we're here_  
_We're free  
_ _Fallin’ all in you_

 


End file.
